Song: Evening Sky by Austin Farwell
A little recap on what happened in the past week.
Six nights ago, I hurt someone. I allowed my own feelings and inner turmoil loom over our conversation when they were the one who needed a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. To be brief, I was inconsiderate (even narcissistic) and ignorant.
Four nights ago, I turned 20. Being in Berlin for only a weekend, I said I had to experience authentic Berlin nightlife. In other words, I wanted to see what techno clubbing was like in its nearly eponymous city. The night started out normal— the usual pregame, a few rounds of Heads Up!, and a positive, anticipatory ambiance. Little did I know, in about 2 hours, I would find myself nauseous and throwing up indefinitely.
Three hours ago, I finished my first round interview with Bridgewater. We questioned the pros, cons, and ethics of “In a democracy, should parents vote for their children?” (a nod to JD Vance’s recent political headline).
In short, I have some thoughts.
Lesson #1: My problems are real, but I am not the world.
Preface: I did not think I was the sun in this heliocentric ecosystem. I need to make a point, so I am being a tad hyperbolic.
Everyone has their heads up there a**es once in a while. Yes, I was experiencing a medium case of a quarter-life crisis, but I am non-unique. While repressing your emotions is unhealthy, relying on a singular soundboard can often devolve to the same detriment. I realized that (a) I needed to reciprocate the “therapist” role and listen to others without my own emotions and thoughts stealing the spotlight, and (b) the world is so much bigger than the bubble in which I currently reside.
Simultaneously, my interview with Bridgewater reminded me of the worldly and comprehensive conversations I used to have in speech and debate. Somehow, 16-year-old me had a wider vantage point of the world than my current CS/Finance-inundated eyes. What I had once touted as one of my greatest pieces of identity capital has become a fragment of my past. When asked in interviews, “What makes you unique from other MIT students?” or “What skill would you rank within the top 5% of at MIT?”, my default answer of public speaking or presentation skills feels fraudulent. Not only feels but is. I can no longer wield the gift of gab; I've noticed verbiage of increased filler words and “like”. And, most tragically, I have subconsciously accepted the “reality” of living in a bubble.
So, what should I do? I need to read the news more, have more insightful and analytical conversations, and actually have opinions. I need to become the shepherd, not the sheep.
Lesson #2: Your 20s are not a time to just have fun. Take risks and try new experiences, but don’t be reckless.
This week, I finished reading Meg Jay’s book The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now. TL;DR: while you should live your twenties with excitement and (in some way) naïveté, it’s equally important not to lose sight of your goals, career, relationships, and the incoming 30s.
Now, do I think I’ve completely let myself go? No, but there are certainly moments I have considered giving up— becoming complacent and letting the current of life ebb and flow for me. Somehow, although one of my biggest fears is becoming a useless and uninteresting adult, I am letting it happen. I am allowing the bad habits to fester into bad routines.
Instead of simply writing these insightful reflections, I need to take action by rowing my own boat. Thus, while it’s important to live life, it’s equally important to have a plan— to navigate new territory but with preparation.
Lesson #3: Be happy. Live in the moment. Love deeply.
As Keanu Reeves once said, “If you don't fight for your love, what kind of love do you have?”. Love the people around you, and love deeply.
What I said above is important. But it’s equally important to live, breathe, and do life. Fretting about the future sours the present. Ruminating about the past blinds you from the now. Always looking for a way out, always protecting yourself, and always ensuring you’re not the most hurt one prevents you from living. So, take on life with an open mind and heart.
~ until next time :)